最疼的疼是原谅，最黑的黑是绝望

昨天看了篇值得沉思的文章，上面写着：

-最疼最疼是原谅，最黑最黑是绝望-

这几天下来花了好多时间思考与计划着未来

还以为只要是我喜欢的，家人都会给予无限的支持与鼓励

妈妈问我：你喜欢这份工吗？

“我爱！” 我回答

但..生活往往都没想象中的美好

很多外在的因素都不得不让我去考虑

我爱这份工能带给我的未来与希望

但矛盾的人为因素往往让我止步

仿佛到了天堂；却发现少了天使

疼爱与黑暗就差那一线的距离

当发现曾今爱过的东西是不应该爱的时候

就得好好的反省问题的所在

是自身的问题？还是他人的态度刻薄？

一直努力找着坚持下去的理由
如果天时地利人和都不允许，再怎么不舍都得放弃

青春只有一次；但未来可以很多种
这一次，我不想这个决定是偏激的

妈妈的女儿

陈家的二小姐；

总是学不会怎么好好地走路；

向往着天空，仰慕着大海；

自由，是她唯一所追求的

说话很直，没有恶意；

性格强悍，基本上没人管得了

受不了唠叨；捱不了责骂

她只会跟你硬碰硬

她，是个典型的射手座

自小爱打扮，

裙子，花朵，蝴蝶结都是她的挚爱

生活少不了午休和下午茶；

这是她所谓的幸福

吃不了苦，承受不了压力；

生活没打算过的太辛苦

但终究败给了“年少轻狂”;

她..幻想着“美好”

说决定了给自己一个机会尝试一下外面的世界；

旁人的话没什么听进去；没准备什么就出发了

到了外面的世界，

尝试了一个人的生活

遇到了委屈没太敢诉苦；

深怕会被拖回原来的世界

跌跌撞撞，体验了真正的可悲；

才发现家人的可贵

敲破了头好不容易住进上流的社会；

深信墨水多的人总会比较高尚

到了最后才发现自己只住在美丽的空壳里；

勾心斗角设法活过每一天

累了才发现自己已失去了该有的快乐

挣扎了很久才决定放下该死的执着；

逃出了华丽的圈套

从此不想为了该死的名利牺牲了快乐

这样的自己笨死了

也从此不敢放话说什么：自己决定的路没人可阻挡；

因为这样的自己太任性，不曾顾虑他人的感受

但最终的她还是选择了相信，

相信她可以在这社会上找到属于自己的位子

怀着那颗赤子之心；虽然很不被讨好

坚持着自己的信念；不想被谁给影响

愿意再赌上这一次，

赌注是青春还有未来

该死的委屈和眼泪又再次淋湿了枕头

但此时的她听见了妈妈的叮咛，

说着：“挨不下去了就回来吧”

生活，其实不需要过得那么苦

她，就是妈妈的那个女儿

NOT to be forgiven

There was one in a long time I cried when walking on the street;

knowing how suck my life actually is..

this is the 2nd time I struggled to control my tears rolling out from my eyes when i am crossing the road;

realizing that i actually have face problem

you just scolded me like that without thinking that you should have do that;

you just picked the right timing to wait someone join in so that you have your chance to embarrass me

you can correct me for my mistake;

but when you decided to correct it in that way at that timing

i felt dissapointed on you

your apologize isn't needed;

it wasn't your fault

 don't you feel bad about it;

but thank you for making me realized that i have face problem

one more staff leaving the workplace,

following 2 of the staffs that left with the reason of can't fitting in

i thought the one that left,

was the one that give up easily..

the one that chose to stay;

is the one that struggle to learn

i overheard the class conducted by her;

she struggled a lot to get herself fit in this job, caz she lack of a little potential on this

but today i found that she has some improvement;

while i am cheering for her improvement; she told me that she is leaving

why oh why everyone is leaving?

should i leave as well?

guess my face is thick enough to stay,

let everyone hurting me like nobody's business

struggling to stay isn't easy

you guys just make me feel like i am a cockroach

remember last time my sis shared her working life with me,

there's a staff in her office that doesn't seem to fit it

and she said:

"她就像蟑螂，你拼命的打，打，打，打到她扁扁...

然后她又长出来，你再继续打..."

someone can just be so hate-able like a cockroach

well, cockroach doesn't attack on people;

but people just find themselves hating cockroach so naturally

when you see a cockroach in front of you;

what will you do?

straight away grab something near you and go smack smack smack!

yes, it is disgusting to smack cockroach into dregs;

yes, it is cruel to kill the cockroach out of no fault

but i guess we're simply taking away a life just to make us feel GOOD

speaking on that,

is cockroach meant to be in this world?

it do no harm but bring no good;

so where should it be?

Dear D, [2]

As usual, I am complaining all about you;

but my sis opposed all my complains and stand by your side

"You were the one that said the wrong thing"

"Can't you see he'd been putting so much expectations on you?"

She said...

If whatever that my sis said was true; then

It's my fault never get your words when you said: "you can be better", "i want to push you more"

I thought you weren't satisfy with my performance;

but now only I realize its all came from your expectation

Sorry that I've said I might leave;

well, i might, and even considered to leave because i thought we weren't suit to work together

after i threw all the words out of anger;

you're no longer putting hopes on me.

no more calling me whenever you like to your side just to sing for you;

no more spending most of your time training me patiently;

no longer correcting me pitch by pitch until i get the right tune;

no longer pushing me to do this and that...

should i be happy because i am now carefree without your pressure?

should i relax because i can do whatever that i feel like doing?

no, i wasn't happy.

caz you're showing that you have already given me up

it's like you're telling: "you're useless for here"

"u're leaving, soon or later. i shouldn't spend so much time and effort training you..."

BUT

don't you think it's cruel to give up on someone so easily without trying?

I am still here.. part of the employees working with you reaching the same goal;

do you know how its feel when you show "ah, you're going to leave anyhow? why should i care to treat you as in you're going to stay longer?"

You've let me down for a month;

You just gave me up like that and I don't know how to respond

You've made me so uncomfortable working here;

when you showed your total change of treating me

you said i overconfident with myself;

and you hit it real hard

then you walked away,

leaving me there starring on the broken pieces

within the past few months, i've changed a lot

into someone that i can barely recognize.

i lost all my self confidence,

and started to doubt on myself

for the first ever time i have a thought that all my positive attitude was wrong

for the first ever time the words excited and passion can sound so negative

i was totally lost;

and my faith is shaking..

but now i've my solution figured out.

i don't care whether you've already given me up

i won't give in, no matter how.

i love this job, i enjoy working in this environment, and most importantly i love all my little customers

i decided to give myself a try,

i will not give up until i really have to.

yes, i am stubborn. very stubborn holding on the thing i really like

i am going to decide it by my own

whatever that you felt or decided;

i am sorry to say that i will continue working out my best as long as i am here

Just don't give up, i am working it out

please don't give in, i won't let you down

it messed me up, need a second to breath

[Adam Lambert -whatya want from me]

Belief

God exists for those who believe in Him;

Angels exist for those who appreciate them ♥

memory

I felt so relax chilling in restaurant, listening to the songs that you like;

blogging with a drink in my hand

I miss you, I seriously do :)

Your voices and your jokes;

i am so gonna miss your kisses and your tough body

Appreciate every effort that you've made

If you're to ask me whether I am treating others like how I treated you;

my answer will be an absolute NO

Not everyone deserve me treating them with full heart

If you're to ask me whether I like or love you;

I would say: I like you and I love you

You have so many good qualities

and I love spending my quality time with you

I am not expecting to be anyone for you;

but to merely appreciate you at this moment

we started from nothing; and sadly to say we're not going to get anything out from here

The world is changing in a fast pace; same goes to the people that trying to survive;

but the only thing that will remain the same - is the memory I store in my heart

Forgotten the bad one and filtered the good one to keep

No one will take that away from me; reality can merely change nothing

Memory, the precious assets I hold it tightly with me

the HIM and the HIM

I like both of you, I seriously do.. :)

Neither one is my type; but the mixture of both of you make a perfect one.

I am so happy to be surrounded by both of you

I felt so comfortable with your gentleman;

and I felt safe under your protection

Can we keep this friendship forever?

I promise I will cherish and treasure every moment that I've spent with you guys

We're so gonna rock the time we been together :D

what the heck

urghh.. My roommate complaint me snoring in my sleep after I started working!

My Goodness! Can't believe that I SNORE!!!!!!!!!!!

was so shocked by the fact,

pity her, caz I begged her so badly to help me check out what the reasons that cause me snore

Is my sleeping pose wrong? Or it was cause by my double layered pillow?

Or am I just too tired..?

Sometimes when I snore, she was half way sleep without her spec on,

she is nearly blind without spec. hence, not much chance for her to observe me sleeping

Sometimes she is just not paying attention to my sleeping pose,

then it will be hard for her to tell me the reason why i snore

Ah! Damn! How i wish she can slap me whenever i start snoring;

so that next time my body will stop 'making noise'!

what the heck..what the heck is going on?!

I don't like this.. ='(

Chap 4:Professionalism

I just had my heart to heart talk with one of my colleague.

I am so thankful for her concern and opened her heart to share her feeling with me.

2 days before I had one horrible fight with my supervisor. I talked less in work and even not talking to him at all. And after that I felt horrible for treating him like that; for not being considerate. He is my supervisor and there is so many stuffs for him to take care of. He is in between the boss and the staffs. He just can't please everyone by every decision he made; he is too busy to take care of whatever he said just to ensure no one will get hurts.

Seem like it's not just me having the problem at work; in fact, my problem is really a minor one. During these days, I found out that the new staffs, senior staffs, supervisor and even boss are having different problems at the same time. Newbie are struggling to survive in the work, showing their effort to learn, compete with one another and etc. And the senior one are striving to balance their work and study; and how to get recognition by the upper management. And part timers are really struggling a lot in building the relationship with the other colleagues.

Yesterday, my boss called me into her office and asked for some feedback after working there for about a month. I told her frankly what i felt. "So, do you feel that you're not comfortable working with the supervisor"? She asked. "No." I said. "I do not have any problem with him, instead, I salute on him. He really surprised me with his toughness and determination; and I bare he been through a lot".

I apologize. For whatever that he thinks I need to apologize for.

I should be gratitude. I am getting higher pay than other colleagues. I am a Chinese and i have so many potential.

I should not just busying emo myself and stop all the opportunity. Life should be moving on.

I guess I am used to the routine work and have been choosing to stay in my comfort zone,

Until someone came into my life, pulling me out from my comfort zone and turn my life upside down;

Someone had just mess up my life, BUT I can't give them a bite.

Caz I have grown mature now,

I always thought life is all about choices, especially when we're young;

but actually it is not, caz we're not living our life by our own.

There is so much more for me to learn. And I am gratitude for the opportunity.

Just like a child, I need to feel safe with sufficient guidance and I hope I will be given enough space to grow.

The HIM and the HER

Dear Him,

It was so sweet sharing an umbrella with you walking under the drizzling rainy day.

And I was so surprise with all the small little moments that we used to share things together.. Everything comes so naturally and coincidently. I felt so comfortable hanging out with you. Very much appreciated the gentlemen side of you and every effort you take to make me feel better :)

I can see that you're a good guy and you will definitely get better in the future. Keeps all the effort going, I believe you can discover your true self in next to no time.

Dear Her,

I thanked God for sending such an angel to my life, that cheers me up when i am down;

talk to me when i feel lonely; disturb me when i need to concentrate on my study;

and made me laugh like mad woman on street.

You are so cute, you are so nice; and most importantly, we are so in sync together!

Although i was the one that always take care of you but i am thankful for your high tolerance.

I am not good in tolerating people and you done a very good job tolerating me and made me realize that I should learn this good quality from you.

There is so much more for me to learn from you.

Sharing an umbrella with you was funny and not sweet at all!

I remembered I manja you to share your small little winnie pooh umbrella with me.

But you almost pissed me off by keep hitting my head with your umbrella.

Eventually, I straight away grab and ran away with your umbrella and you complained right to my ear: "I've already tried my best adjusting the umbrella to your height but guess you're just too high for me! And don't you dare to forget this is my umbrella"!

HAHAHAH! Comparing the time I shared umbrella with the him and the her. It was totally different yet funny scene! Both of you have just cheered up my day! I heart both of you ♥