Transition

I'd down for no reason;

till I've figured out that..

I'm not only weak in tolerating people;

I'm also not used to wait in uncertainty

Guess I have enjoyed too much of my carefree life back in college time;

I'd given so much of freedom to decide when to study, what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner; and going out with friends without need to inform anyone else

but at the same time I'm tired, to bare everything by my own.

Despite enjoying life; safety and money matter are always the main worries

after I graduated, I moved back to my home decided to start living a life with my family; 

It's safer at home; everything was literally provided

Life should be simpler and thus happier.. "should be"..

but I wasn't really happy all this while 

yes, it seem like everything has been provided;

but i can't sense the happiness for the success of my hard work; there was no track of my sweat and pain

and there are too much of advises and directions given by different parties, which causing me confuse,

i can't just reject their opinion without thinking and trying it, it's rather impolite

therefore, I accept whatever advises, as long as it all came from their concerns,

I consider and try every single opportunity that I think might works

until I've totally forgot what I really like and want;

it's like I am turning round and round on the same spot, going neither here nor there

transition from independent into dependent;
for it I never know it is actually harder that I would ever thought

after all, I am actually having quite a lot of opinions about life,
after all, I am actually quite happy with the decision I previously made, despite how hard I should work for it

after all, being obedience is not as easy as just following whatever that people say;
you should know how to let go your own thoughts, and to be blind for your own feeling

if you're letting people deciding your life for you, then don't bother dreaming;
no one is responsible for your happiness; yet it's plainly impossible for someone to place your priority over theirs

I am spending so much of my time waiting for something to happen,

months it took me to wait for some small little thing to be confirmed; yet to be really confirmed

I do not know why but guess I was quite lucky that most of my records of going for an interview were being hired on the spot;

but maybe now i'm approaching a bigger corporation, a lot of times are needed for a single process to be proceed from this stage to another

To be frank, I am quite bored of waiting;

I can't be sure that the answer I'm waiting for is seriously being considered

I've too much of free time to spend,

for it is something that people eagerly asking for; but for me was totally a nightmare. this is pathetic

well, I can actually seek for other thing else to do in the mean time of waiting;
I could have a longer wish list than anyone else

yet, I am here doing nothing aside waiting;
totally freedom restricted by my parents

I have no one to blame;
I chose to return to them; and restriction of freedom should be expected

this period that named as transition

is another life lesson for me (i) to learn in the process while enjoying AND (ii) to prepare myself to bare the consequences of any outcome of my choice

but before that.. please let me cry
cry for myself that has lose my own will; cry for the sickening of waiting in uncertainty; cry for the regrets of betting my life on others' hand; cry for the inability to seek for my own happiness while I actually have the ability to do so

I have so much to cry of,
in the process called transition

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*updated on 29th Nov 2011*

哭了..没办法再忍受了

当初做的决定；单纯地以为一切将会很美好

没想到过程会是那么的辛苦

时间多得让人发慌，

我看不见我要的明天；美好的将来我不敢奢望

就连现在的我，都无法自救

同样的错误一犯再犯，

知道问题在哪里；

可是很痛心地我无法做出任何改变

在乎的人；不在乎的人，好像都帮不上什么忙

关心的人；不关心的人都没办法安慰我的失望

这似乎没什么。只是现在的我很害怕自己..做错了决定


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*updated on 16th December*

-Success is not final; failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts-

by Winston Churchill

I have faith in myself that I can succeed;

but doesn't means everyone should grant me the opportunity I want

Life is too complicated to be just right and wrong,

the world isn't turning around me; and neither do I need to turn myself around the world

Disappointment shall not bring me down; it should makes me stronger instead

be positive! keep my faith to myself. my dream will eventually comes true

Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Rough wind do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer’s lease hath all too short to a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;

And every fair from fair sometimes declines,

By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimm’d;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade

Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;

Nor shall Death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st.

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

William Shakespeare

The poem of Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare was one of the poem in English literature for sekolah menengah's syllabus.

I've been exposed to it when I was 16 but that time, what i knew are pretty girl, summer and roses. that's all. HAHA
Now that I read back the poem, it was simply beautiful and the poem did touches my heart.

Other than that, I would like to share this:

[source retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thou] 

Note the Thee Thou Thy in the poem? That are actually the terms commonly use in most of the Shakespeare's works.
Congtretz, now you've learned how and when to use the Thee, Thou, Thy? :D 

are we healthy enough to stay away from sickness?

for the first ever time my trip to Genting wasn't about having fun but thoughts and reflections

for accompanying my grandparents to Genting for a short trip,

I experienced both WEAKness and SICKness

A vacation suppose to be relaxing, fun and happy time spending with each other;

but for my grandparents, it wasn't easy even to travel up the hill just to 'relax';

in fact, they had really tough time surviving the cold breeze over there and the overcrowded place

As for me, I think I've underestimated my 'long lost friend', asthma.

I catch a cold before we depart to Genting and asthma hit me middle of the night in the hotel

At that time, I do not have any medicine with me; yet not ready to tell my parents about the sudden sickness

as I do not want to be the third persons that needed their full attention at all time

________________________________________________________

 I took care of myself and my asthma was slowly recovered;

yet, my mum insists to send me to clinic for a checkup,

wanting me to have a better sleep tonight

of my hesitation, decision to be hospitalized was finally confirmed around 11pm

because it has already past 9:30pm and the clinic is closed; emergency room in GH is the only choice

My visit to GH was pathetic

I was horrified by everything I saw although all the scenes were suppose to be expected

Case 1:

A patient laying on the bed with one hand restricted by a handcuff, accompanied by 2 quite-big-size persons sitting near to him chit chatting.
At first I was frightened, as I thought both of them are gangsters (or the patient's friends).

But then my mum explained to me that purple color robe that he is wearing indicates prisoner; and two of the big sized men might as well be the police men or related officers. 

Case 2: 

The Asthma Bay was overcrowded with patients;

YET the counter was overcrowded with staffs chit chatting

All the patients looked extremely weak. They are using all their strength just to take in a puff of air. Any second for them was critical, suffer, and unfortunate

ON THE OTHER HAND, the doctors and nurses seemingly enjoyed their sweet time together paying no attention to the dying individuals with their hopeless stare

Case 3: 

After awhile being ignored, I get attended by an assistant. Instead of showing me a warm concern like asking me how do I feel or what's my condition is; he came to me asked me whether I've registered (what the hell?)

*fyi: actually I felt so much better compare to yesterday the sleepless night. Just that my mum afraid that my asthma will get serious again to disturb my sleep. Therefore, I'm temporarily 'all fine' to be hospitalized unless my condition really get serious at the mid of the night* 

I super scared that I'll be shooed out of the hospital under the accuse of "having no sickness" (haha)

But then I was over-worried.
The assistant straight away passed me a oxygen mask after he checked my heartbeat with a stethoscope. It seem to be too easy for me to get a treatment from him without being asked any question. I mean my case is definitely mild, he can either yell at me of having too much time to come to them with a not-so-sick body OR I should suspect that their stethoscope is not functioning (at least it can't tell whether i'm really sick)

I was relaxed awhile for being able to bluff through. But I realized I was totally wrong when he came back to the patients to insert a needle on their hand. Is that a 'tradition' they practice over here, in GH? (are you kidding me)? He approached one by one and slowly to the patient besides me. I immediately hide my hand and whispered to myself: "don't you dare simply cucuk!". At the same time I'm preparing what should I do if it is my turn? The best solution I can figured is to throw him the oxygen mask saying: "I think I get better now. ciao!" But luckily there isn't my turn (what a great relief? =D)

Case 4:

There were 2 young patients (babies) admitted into the hospital. They seem fine when they were being carried in their mum's arm into the hospital. From their innocent faces how I wish I can be like them, worrying nothing about what kind of pains they might have gone through. At least they won't be suffering from the moment while waiting to get an injection or the fear of pain for the surgeries.  

But eventually they still cried out loud for the uncomfortable feeling when their tiny bodies were being injected with a needle. It was so heartbreaking to see them having to go through the unbearable pain at the young age.

Yet, I can see double pain, triple tiredness and infinite worries in their mums. 

Now that I can totally knows how it feels being a patient or a guidance
either one fall sick both will have to suffer

 It isn't easy to STAY HEALTHY; and it isn't easy as well to STAY AWAY FROM SICKNESS

等待 - "等"不到的那份期"待"

我毕业了...我失业了...

毕业之前，最害怕毕业后找不到工作在家苦等的日子；

好不容易，找上了喜欢的工

因为那时还在求学，就兼职。希望毕业后可以全程投入

但是...我做了一个很重大的决定

改变了我的人生；

至少这几个月以来

我过着“没有我”的日子

两个月前，

我决定了不再固执

开始，试着，跟着父母的意愿过我的生活

成为他们心目中的孩子

还以为，自己在外头（吉隆坡）吃了些苦

是时候回到他们怀抱享受被呵护的感觉

还以为，之前的我太坚持自己的理想变叛逆了

是时候回到他们身旁好好陪陪他们

总觉得一直以来我太自我了

从来没想过该怎么样地去迁就他人；

决定给自己一些时间

好好地从最亲的家人开始

在原地徘徊了很久，还是找不到光线

现在的我开始犹豫了..
我，真的做对了决定吗？

是他们太纵容？还是我太依赖了？

这几个月的日子里，我乖乖的呆在家里成了笼中的金丝雀

之前应征了一份工，父母说太远了不让我去

好不容易说服他们买辆车给我

结果是一等再等

我等...等他们几时心情好跟我商量

我等...等我爸的朋友几时得空让我们下头款金

我等...等他们主意一改再改

我等... 等他们在等的什么

他们怪我没有认真的找工

试问没车，就算找到工要我怎么去上班？

明明不给我去太远；还硬要把送我去Damansara 和 Genting

请你告诉我你想要的是什么？

我是那么努力的试着想尊敬你们的决定，

但请不要拿我宝贵的青春当你们退休后的乐趣，

得空就看一下；不爽就踢开不理

跟着你们，我俩头不到岸

如果我还是以前的那个我，

我会按捺不住自己的情绪把所有的不满给斗出来；

现在的我只能试着把不满和疑惑往肚子里吞

但原谅我，你们把我的期望转看成笑话，我笑不出来

psychology: id, ego, superego

Have you ever been in a situation where you get whispers from 'the angel you' and 'the evil you' when you're making a decision? 

Okay, I don’t think it's common that you can either literally or practically 'see' the angel and devil spinning around your shoulder making noises or fight or do whatever spell on each other. for it's just a kind of classic scenes that being portrayed on tv, cartoon especially. 

So why does it has something to do with reality?

Actually, it does. When individuals are caught in a dilemma, we often find ourselves having difficulty choosing between A and B or C or D.

Although normal people might not be able to imagine angel and devil when they caught in a dilemma (well, if u have angel and devil whispering to you when u're making a decision please teach me how! haha). but i personally aware that the kid within me (my heart) is arguing with the wise man within me (my brain);

something like what demonstrated by the picture below:

"Heart: I don't care.. i want it now! (like a kid)

Brain: no, u can't do this u can't do that (like old 'wise' man)"

from expert perspective, it falls under the categories of id, ego and superego

ID: stimulated by PLEASURE principal  

EGO: what's about REALITY

SUPEREGO: seeking for IDEAL principal 

[info retrieved from http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/personalityelem.htm]

so, it's either u following more on ur id, ego or superego in making a decision

but i interpret this in a simpler way. it's actually about what my HEART feels and what my BRAIN tells

studying psychology has train me into a person to always aware of what i actually felt and to face it truly

all this while i've been true to my feeling.. just that sometimes i'm bothered, whether to really follow what's my heart tells

my mum and sis keep on complaining that "i'm a woman that say and do without thinking" or "something like thinking without using brain"

then i started to realize.. am i following too much on my feeling until i've forgotten to be 'wise'?

i personally feel that our heart can be unstable and somehow unreliable, caz we might feel this at this time and feel that at other time.. and this, especially applies to girls (damn agree right?)

so, if we're making decision solely with our feeling. we gonna to regret it..

contradictory, if our decision is made solely from our brain; then the decision might be regards as heartless or inhumane..

without heart, human is like zombie with no heart beat

can succeed but surely cannot get a great success

so how now?   

HEART or BRAIN or BOTH? ANGEL or DEVIL or both?

both? if we're letting our heart and brain to 'deal' between one another.. or same goes to angel and devil.. do you think the 'communication' gonna be ease and calm? u.. sure?   

image retrieved from http://xxxginaxxx.edublogs.org/2011/03/09/dear-devil-on-my-shoulder/ 

(this image came with inspiring poetry from the author, feel free to visit blog with this link)