how much did we actually paid for a lesson learnt?

How expensive have you ever paid for a lesson to learn?
How much one can posses, is exactly how much one can lose

According to my zordiac, this year will be a very tough year for me;
and in fact, life has already treated me hard enough for the past few months

Most of the unpleasant incidents that happened were highly related to money matter;
the most threatening is, it did not only cause a teeny weeny amount but a hell lot!

With all the alarming incidents,
I  have this urge to do some serious reflection so to figure out something that can help with my situation

At the meantime, I discover that:

When we find ourselves afraid of losing, means we have something to lose
The more we EARN; the more it is possibly to LOSE


I have few friends with me that has their very unique spending style,
which I would like to share with you over here

Friend A:
Basic salary:    average
Benefits:    can claim OT
Working hour: Long
Accumulated figure:     high
Financial support: extra from parents
 Spending style: Has budget, with financial supports from parents.
Therefore, she has no restriction buying anything she wants. Spend quite much.

Friend B:
Basic salary:    low
Benefits:    work near home (eat, transport, petro, socializing cost - almost none)
Working hour:    super long
Accumulated figure:    low
Financial support:    family
Spending style: Buy branded stuffs that has extremely exceed what she can earned. She claimed that she was  too stressed and has no other entertainment, therefore, through buying she can seem to balance up the hard work she has putted in for her work

     Friend C:
Basic salary:   high
Benefits:    family business (eat, transport, petro, - almost none)
Working hour: Super long
Accumulated figure:     high
Financial support: no
 Spending style: Has no break in the weekend & holiday, thus not much time and energy to spend money.
Committed and spend big money investing on feng shui, taking care of her health and insurance; sometime buy branded stuffs

Me: 
Basic salary:   average
Benefits:    family support (eat, transport, petro, - none)
Working hour: short
Accumulated figure:    average
Financial support: family
 Spending style: Save half of my salary; buy branded but not often. Surveyed as I could and buy only the best one I think it is (if shopping with friends, salesman gonna hate me the most caz i always ask a lot but has lowest percentage of buying it HAHA).

I used to be rational consumer and always try to be;
until recently the influences among my friends and I become uncontrollably powerful

LESSON LEARNT:  Personal Belongingness 

A day after Christmas; and a day before I started my job,

I lost my phone.

Not so long ago, I buy myself a new phone;

but it charged me a bomb, despite how acceptable or unacceptable the charges is

Losing an old one is truly a heartache;

yet buying a new one is not as excited as it expected to be.
When we started to work, we started to earn a living.
Richness should not be judged according to the amount we earned; but how we manage our money

My friend had directly and indirectly influence me to buy something that cost big money
and one thing I realized:
we should not buy something because we have the budget to do so;
but simply refer to how necessarily it is to our life

LESSON LEARNT: Friendship

I am so glad that I had more than one gang of very close friends;

but now that they made me realized that,

no matter how trust-able they are; I can't bet my life on them,

caz they have no responsibility to take care of my life as theirs'. 

Close friends especially girls close friends have a lot of sharing and brainwashing among themselves

we so often share real life stories, opinion, and gossiping when we're together

at the same time, influences among us spread like a disaster,
it should be all stopped before it's getting worse

we spent money irrationally, we compete between one another for all the branded stuffs,
 and even judging how much the gifts we received from people around us.
We're all gone oh so materialism which we have lose all sense of money management
tell me, my dear friends. Do you really enjoy spending irrationally?

Before we get influenced and being manipulated so easily;
please always be reminded that we are and will be the only one to bear with all the consequences.
Are we still naively thinking that our friends will be that helpful to help us solving the problem as how 'helpful' they used to influence us?  no!

LESSON LEARNT: The more I talk about it, the bad it will be

"I had this thing that I talk too much
sometimes I just can't shut the hell up
It's like I need to tell someone, anyone who'll listen
and that's where I seem to fuck up"


"yeah, I forget about the consequences
for a minute there I lose my senses
and in the heat of the moment my mouth starts going
the words start flowing, oh"

Lyric: Nobody's Perfect by Jessie J

I should urge myself to change the way I talk,

something has just gone all wrong.

I am too much emphasized on the good thing I had;

while I am so cautious not to over share the information that is regards as not so pleasant

For all I knew that my friends will not like to hear everything that good about me;

it is boring, it has no big deal on them, they will lost their interest to feel happy for me all the time.

On the other hand, I should also learn to handle news that come under my expectation;
caz i have to know that: "there is nothing impossible to be lost; and there is nothing a must to be possessed"

In the year of 2012,
I should always take note that SIMPLICITY is everything,
I should not go hu-ha for anything big; and try not to have fancy expectation on my life

In the year of 2012,
If something good happens, be quietly happy for that and appreciate it;
If something bad hitting, remember not hold it too tight with me until it affect some other good things to come

So, why are we making life so difficult?

photo credits to https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150387943119702&set=p.10150387943119702&type=1&ref=nf

Transition

I'd down for no reason;

till I've figured out that..

I'm not only weak in tolerating people;

I'm also not used to wait in uncertainty

Guess I have enjoyed too much of my carefree life back in college time;

I'd given so much of freedom to decide when to study, what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner; and going out with friends without need to inform anyone else

but at the same time I'm tired, to bare everything by my own.

Despite enjoying life; safety and money matter are always the main worries

after I graduated, I moved back to my home decided to start living a life with my family; 

It's safer at home; everything was literally provided

Life should be simpler and thus happier.. "should be"..

but I wasn't really happy all this while 

yes, it seem like everything has been provided;

but i can't sense the happiness for the success of my hard work; there was no track of my sweat and pain

and there are too much of advises and directions given by different parties, which causing me confuse,

i can't just reject their opinion without thinking and trying it, it's rather impolite

therefore, I accept whatever advises, as long as it all came from their concerns,

I consider and try every single opportunity that I think might works

until I've totally forgot what I really like and want;

it's like I am turning round and round on the same spot, going neither here nor there

transition from independent into dependent;
for it I never know it is actually harder that I would ever thought

after all, I am actually having quite a lot of opinions about life,
after all, I am actually quite happy with the decision I previously made, despite how hard I should work for it

after all, being obedience is not as easy as just following whatever that people say;
you should know how to let go your own thoughts, and to be blind for your own feeling

if you're letting people deciding your life for you, then don't bother dreaming;
no one is responsible for your happiness; yet it's plainly impossible for someone to place your priority over theirs

I am spending so much of my time waiting for something to happen,

months it took me to wait for some small little thing to be confirmed; yet to be really confirmed

I do not know why but guess I was quite lucky that most of my records of going for an interview were being hired on the spot;

but maybe now i'm approaching a bigger corporation, a lot of times are needed for a single process to be proceed from this stage to another

To be frank, I am quite bored of waiting;

I can't be sure that the answer I'm waiting for is seriously being considered

I've too much of free time to spend,

for it is something that people eagerly asking for; but for me was totally a nightmare. this is pathetic

well, I can actually seek for other thing else to do in the mean time of waiting;
I could have a longer wish list than anyone else

yet, I am here doing nothing aside waiting;
totally freedom restricted by my parents

I have no one to blame;
I chose to return to them; and restriction of freedom should be expected

this period that named as transition

is another life lesson for me (i) to learn in the process while enjoying AND (ii) to prepare myself to bare the consequences of any outcome of my choice

but before that.. please let me cry
cry for myself that has lose my own will; cry for the sickening of waiting in uncertainty; cry for the regrets of betting my life on others' hand; cry for the inability to seek for my own happiness while I actually have the ability to do so

I have so much to cry of,
in the process called transition

————————————————————————————————————————
*updated on 29th Nov 2011*

哭了..没办法再忍受了

当初做的决定；单纯地以为一切将会很美好

没想到过程会是那么的辛苦

时间多得让人发慌，

我看不见我要的明天；美好的将来我不敢奢望

就连现在的我，都无法自救

同样的错误一犯再犯，

知道问题在哪里；

可是很痛心地我无法做出任何改变

在乎的人；不在乎的人，好像都帮不上什么忙

关心的人；不关心的人都没办法安慰我的失望

这似乎没什么。只是现在的我很害怕自己..做错了决定


————————————————————————————————————————
*updated on 16th December*

-Success is not final; failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts-

by Winston Churchill

I have faith in myself that I can succeed;

but doesn't means everyone should grant me the opportunity I want

Life is too complicated to be just right and wrong,

the world isn't turning around me; and neither do I need to turn myself around the world

Disappointment shall not bring me down; it should makes me stronger instead

be positive! keep my faith to myself. my dream will eventually comes true

are we healthy enough to stay away from sickness?

for the first ever time my trip to Genting wasn't about having fun but thoughts and reflections

for accompanying my grandparents to Genting for a short trip,

I experienced both WEAKness and SICKness

A vacation suppose to be relaxing, fun and happy time spending with each other;

but for my grandparents, it wasn't easy even to travel up the hill just to 'relax';

in fact, they had really tough time surviving the cold breeze over there and the overcrowded place

As for me, I think I've underestimated my 'long lost friend', asthma.

I catch a cold before we depart to Genting and asthma hit me middle of the night in the hotel

At that time, I do not have any medicine with me; yet not ready to tell my parents about the sudden sickness

as I do not want to be the third persons that needed their full attention at all time

________________________________________________________

 I took care of myself and my asthma was slowly recovered;

yet, my mum insists to send me to clinic for a checkup,

wanting me to have a better sleep tonight

of my hesitation, decision to be hospitalized was finally confirmed around 11pm

because it has already past 9:30pm and the clinic is closed; emergency room in GH is the only choice

My visit to GH was pathetic

I was horrified by everything I saw although all the scenes were suppose to be expected

Case 1:

A patient laying on the bed with one hand restricted by a handcuff, accompanied by 2 quite-big-size persons sitting near to him chit chatting.
At first I was frightened, as I thought both of them are gangsters (or the patient's friends).

But then my mum explained to me that purple color robe that he is wearing indicates prisoner; and two of the big sized men might as well be the police men or related officers. 

Case 2: 

The Asthma Bay was overcrowded with patients;

YET the counter was overcrowded with staffs chit chatting

All the patients looked extremely weak. They are using all their strength just to take in a puff of air. Any second for them was critical, suffer, and unfortunate

ON THE OTHER HAND, the doctors and nurses seemingly enjoyed their sweet time together paying no attention to the dying individuals with their hopeless stare

Case 3: 

After awhile being ignored, I get attended by an assistant. Instead of showing me a warm concern like asking me how do I feel or what's my condition is; he came to me asked me whether I've registered (what the hell?)

*fyi: actually I felt so much better compare to yesterday the sleepless night. Just that my mum afraid that my asthma will get serious again to disturb my sleep. Therefore, I'm temporarily 'all fine' to be hospitalized unless my condition really get serious at the mid of the night* 

I super scared that I'll be shooed out of the hospital under the accuse of "having no sickness" (haha)

But then I was over-worried.
The assistant straight away passed me a oxygen mask after he checked my heartbeat with a stethoscope. It seem to be too easy for me to get a treatment from him without being asked any question. I mean my case is definitely mild, he can either yell at me of having too much time to come to them with a not-so-sick body OR I should suspect that their stethoscope is not functioning (at least it can't tell whether i'm really sick)

I was relaxed awhile for being able to bluff through. But I realized I was totally wrong when he came back to the patients to insert a needle on their hand. Is that a 'tradition' they practice over here, in GH? (are you kidding me)? He approached one by one and slowly to the patient besides me. I immediately hide my hand and whispered to myself: "don't you dare simply cucuk!". At the same time I'm preparing what should I do if it is my turn? The best solution I can figured is to throw him the oxygen mask saying: "I think I get better now. ciao!" But luckily there isn't my turn (what a great relief? =D)

Case 4:

There were 2 young patients (babies) admitted into the hospital. They seem fine when they were being carried in their mum's arm into the hospital. From their innocent faces how I wish I can be like them, worrying nothing about what kind of pains they might have gone through. At least they won't be suffering from the moment while waiting to get an injection or the fear of pain for the surgeries.  

But eventually they still cried out loud for the uncomfortable feeling when their tiny bodies were being injected with a needle. It was so heartbreaking to see them having to go through the unbearable pain at the young age.

Yet, I can see double pain, triple tiredness and infinite worries in their mums. 

Now that I can totally knows how it feels being a patient or a guidance
either one fall sick both will have to suffer

 It isn't easy to STAY HEALTHY; and it isn't easy as well to STAY AWAY FROM SICKNESS

Life isn't fair

Somehow, or can say it most of the time, I tend to upset with myself and frustratingly question my own capability. I am so so hardworking compare to some others but they still can win me easily. I wonder.
Sometimes, i can hear hear the bottom of my heart whispering to me.


It said, yes, my friends are indeedly better English Proficiency than me. And that's would be a good reason explaining why i tried so hard but the best i can do was to be at the same levels with them despite winning them.


However, I should always remember that they are born English educated; and i'm not. And if comparing my current standards with the previous me, I've improved A LOT in these 2 university years. I was totally Chinese Educated and until my current literacy and writing skills, i consider not bad compare to others that were born the same as mine.


I believe everyone's life has somehow been destined. We are all good at certain things and that's what we called it TALENT.


My life is good but my bad habit is to always picking those unachievable "target" to compete with myself. I know i can never win them; but good thing is they actually motivate me to push myself above my own limit.


Here's one insight i recently get from watching one the talent shows -
One Million Star.


Other than enjoy being inspired by all sorts of good songs and learning some singing skills. I realized that i actually enjoy watching them 'growing & glowing'. This talent show is a learning process, the candidates are all surviving themselves on the stage and striving their very best to perform what they got.


But somehow when we can clearly sense how hard one work for their performance and yet their marks are still below some others high record performers that ldidn't ook much prepared. Here we started to question, how the judge actually evaluate? Do they bias on some "good candidates"? Or that's just limited things the "bad candidates" can give?


One dangerous thing is the schema is not well structured and not clearly showed. No one knows where the standard is and what would please the judges. Yes, judges are looking for surprise but what is it actually? And how good is good? How much is consider as perfect and not over?
Some concrete example please?


I had a friend saying: Life is like a movie. You are the one writing script of your life; while others are the one watching the show from you.


I interpret the message in this way:
first, there is no one but us, ourselves are the one that can fully control our life.


second, if we're scripting a movie that people want to watch then there is high probability that we can get favorable or being popular. But from what Oscars and Grammy Awards showed, there are still lots of deviate cases a success.

If we care so much on others' expectation or favor-ism in writing our life script, then we might find our mood fluctuates in accordance with others. That's how sometimesi felt so stupid fooling by others again and again.


third, people are just watching the 'result'. they do not care how much efforts you have putted in. In a way showing that is all superficial. So if we care about showing the superficial things then we will never get a chance to explore deeply on ourselves, seeking the happiness from the bottom of our heart and knowing what we really want in our life.


So yea, always remember what we want in life to prevent us deviate from the right path.
A little stressed is dessert; a little push is motivation. Take it as a good thing then it will helps us in achieving our life goal.

I gave you my heart

The suicide case of counting down in Facebook has successfully gain attention from all. Everyone is commenting, discussing and even starting all sorts of prevention trying to stop the next unwanted case to happen again.

First I wonder how it's affect Facebook? Make it more popular or other way round defaming it?

But one thing i can sure is, Facebook would be definitely more 'happening' as compare to before.

According to the responses, most of my friends scolding him for being immature for ending his precious life; blaming him for being stupid to sacrifice his life for a love that has gone; and some even ask him to rest in peace, claiming that everyone needs a God and what he lack in life is a God to guide him.

For me, suicide is not an action that would be blame on. Everyone has their rights to choose how to live and even ending their life. Worth it or not, is how they measure it themselves, not the thing u can simply evaluate and tell them what to do.

Still remembered the victim said: "Love is what i cannot afford to play".

So what love is?

Love and be loved is always easy to say but somehow hard to do.

How much love do we need? and how much is enough for others?

No one knows.

The hardest decision is always about weighting the give and the take.

I love you that much why can't you love me even once?

I gave you that much how can you never even look at me?

These questions always lead to doubt and insecure; and if it's not resolved. Things will just getting worse.

Anything can happen to a fragile heart; and how fast a broken heart can be fixed is totally depend on one's resiliency.

One should not take love as granted;

Love is not about getting without giving; because someday you might find them exhausting.

Love shouldn't be blind.

Love is not about giving to the only one and forgetting to get it back, remember your empty heart needs to be filled, too.

Love is everywhere from everyone. It's all about how you sense it from others and how can you contribute to make this world a little more lovable.

When you find yourselves suffocating, get a place with fresher air. Take in deep breath then plan your next step in life.

Nothing as impossible yet life is always hard for everyone.

Together we can make a difference.

Sadness of vampire

Ever frustratingly doubt on God 'permission' once when I found myself being 'unallowed' from watching the Eclipse no matter how badly I wanted.

I am a fans of Twilight Saga and I've watched both the Twilight and New Moon in Cinema, hoping to keep a good record by finish watching the whole series in Cinema with friends (^,^)

Being drown in the crowd two times in Mid Valley both Sat and Sun queuing in long queue; and both times when I stand in front of the cashier man just about to purchase the ticket, my friends always have their reasons to reject me differently at that last crucial minute!

By half-forcing half-tolerating, I finally get to watch Eclipse 9 days after the movie been screened. But all worth waiting.

The plot is a cliff hanger and the actors are all so prefect looking on the screen, the temperament of vampire and the hot muscular body of the wolf man *drooling*.

Furthermore, Twilight has now more deuteragonist sharing the fame being part of Twilight aside of the group of leading actors.

The remarkable scene I love the most is when the sad facts of being a Vampire is revealed. Such a thought provoking facts, the Twilight Saga movies addicts always fascinate about the fantasy life of a vampire until they have forgotten there is no creature is called perfect. Vampires are now no longer perfect as what we thought they were, they have no blood, no soul and will never get to enjoy a normal aging life like normal human do. But the smart author still be able to hold our breath by arousing our psychological emotion - empathy back on the vampire.

I bet everyone of us ever think of being in the same age, enjoy the youngness and live forever in this world. But have we ever think of how bore it might be if we repeating the same routine over a hundred years by never getting a single chance to proceed to next developmental stage so as to complete the life circle?

And here's a saying. If you have forever to do it, you will never do it.

Personally think that it is still the best for us to keep our own obligation by living a short but sweet life.

Here to hope you can live your life to the fullest. *hugs*

The end of life

This year, we are celebrating white Mother's day.

It's just 2 days before Mother's day; my grandma is already on her way going to meet my grandpa in the heaven. We have planned and almost done prepare celebrating with her for this year Mother's day; but she just leave us without any sign, as she has always prepare to die.

"It’s just 2 days before I had dinner with you and you were laughing on my bad table manners. I only see you going hospital for body check up; why do you just take your long sleep without informing? We’re gonna to celebrate mother day with you, remember? We miss you……"

It was just months ago I came across this chapter - Death and Dying.

I was so emotional studying it; it helps me reflect a lot on the process of living and dying; reminds me how vulnerable one can choose to end their life OR how tough determination one can choose to live their life until the last breath.

I cried during my presentation on this topic. Remembered 8 years before my grandpa died of diabetic; and that time my grandma questioned him heart brokenly: "why dun you bring me along?".

But still, she chose to enjoy her life until her last breath, with no any single despair being showed. She is a tough lady, a really tough one.

She has spend her time waiting 8 years and finally she is now heading to meet my grandpa in the heaven.

I cried because it’s unexpected; I cried because we can no longer see her. But no more tears from now, caz I know how badly she waited to live together with my gradpa in the heaven. God may bless them, and they will bless us.

No farewell words were spoken,

no time to say goodbye,

you were gone before we knew it,

and only God knows why.

If love could have saved you,

you would lived forever.

[retrieved from Grandmother Grandfather Funeral Poems]

Thanks for the condolences. I am okay.

泪

星期日的早上,我带着期待又忐忑的心情。跟家人到Sungei Wang 去唱K!哇!我最爱了.. 

半途中,我们停在一家餐馆用早餐。
那家餐馆,是家氏企业。里面的人手,都是那家人一手包办的。
每天的顾客都那么的多,忙得不得了!!
人来人往,他们的脚步,从未休息。

"老板,收钱!" 
"是.."
"老板,order!"
"好,来了.."
"老板,我点的是kopi,不是teh咧!"
"对不起喔!马上换一杯给你.."

就酱,店里的每个人都很忙,忙着吃,忙着说,忙着消遣,忙着赚钱..
这时的我,也很忙..忙着东张西望,观察每个人的动作,表情。
他们不刻意的每个表情,不必做作的每个动作,让我感觉到世界的可爱!

眼光就这样扫完了整间店。
但,我在此刻隐约地感觉到一股强大的挣扎力从黑暗的角落散发出来..

啊!!是个小baby!他好像很辛苦,他的表情根本就配不上他的年纪。
躺在一个破旧的躺椅上,因为身体的不适,他的手脚没有停止地挣扎着。
怎么找,都找不到个舒服的姿势。
他很痛楚,为那莫名的痛苦感到懊恼..

他的存在,每个人都看在眼里,但他的痛苦，敷衍的人完全体会不到!
因为他们根本没想接近他的意思!

从我妈妈的口中得知,现在的他,应该有7岁了..
"吓!!怎么看不出来?!"他看起来顶多是一岁而已..! "
因为他一生出来就得了肌肉萎缩症。
他的身形,只有几个月宝宝的大小。
现在的他,应该是跟朋友们玩闹,上树下渠的年龄!

可是,事实上的他。每天的作息就是躺在躺椅上,他每天必须交的功课,就是痛楚地熬过每一天..
他,连哭的资格都没有..他试过张开大口,想嚎啕大哭!
希望哭了过后,能够好过一点..
但他没办法,也许是眼泪都被哭干了。
他,弄不出一滴眼泪.. 

他的妈妈就坐在相隔不远的桌子上,和朋友高谈阔论。
也许?他妈妈也没有办法了吧?
日子还是要过啊!
就在这个时候,一个哥哥走了过来,抽出了他那短短的几分钟,靠近了他..
蹲下了他那庞大的身躯。
那温柔的眼神,那粗糙的大手,轻轻地,缓缓地,抚摸着他那痛楚的小脸..
似乎告诉着他,别怕,你还有我..

这一刻,他是多么地放心,多么地安慰..
这,也许是他继续生存,又勇气挣扎下去的理由..