Chap 4:Professionalism

I just had my heart to heart talk with one of my colleague.

I am so thankful for her concern and opened her heart to share her feeling with me.

2 days before I had one horrible fight with my supervisor. I talked less in work and even not talking to him at all. And after that I felt horrible for treating him like that; for not being considerate. He is my supervisor and there is so many stuffs for him to take care of. He is in between the boss and the staffs. He just can't please everyone by every decision he made; he is too busy to take care of whatever he said just to ensure no one will get hurts.

Seem like it's not just me having the problem at work; in fact, my problem is really a minor one. During these days, I found out that the new staffs, senior staffs, supervisor and even boss are having different problems at the same time. Newbie are struggling to survive in the work, showing their effort to learn, compete with one another and etc. And the senior one are striving to balance their work and study; and how to get recognition by the upper management. And part timers are really struggling a lot in building the relationship with the other colleagues.

Yesterday, my boss called me into her office and asked for some feedback after working there for about a month. I told her frankly what i felt. "So, do you feel that you're not comfortable working with the supervisor"? She asked. "No." I said. "I do not have any problem with him, instead, I salute on him. He really surprised me with his toughness and determination; and I bare he been through a lot".

I apologize. For whatever that he thinks I need to apologize for.

I should be gratitude. I am getting higher pay than other colleagues. I am a Chinese and i have so many potential.

I should not just busying emo myself and stop all the opportunity. Life should be moving on.

I guess I am used to the routine work and have been choosing to stay in my comfort zone,

Until someone came into my life, pulling me out from my comfort zone and turn my life upside down;

Someone had just mess up my life, BUT I can't give them a bite.

Caz I have grown mature now,

I always thought life is all about choices, especially when we're young;

but actually it is not, caz we're not living our life by our own.

There is so much more for me to learn. And I am gratitude for the opportunity.

Just like a child, I need to feel safe with sufficient guidance and I hope I will be given enough space to grow.

Chap 3: everything that happen, is serving purpose

Sigh! I couldn't collect back my laundry in time =/

and i got so pissed off until it affect my mood throughout the day.

sometimes things just not working in the way that i want it to.

life is too hard to control.

I want Dr. Hera as my thesis supervisor caz i like the way she work with things and i can anticipate that i can learn a lot under her supervision. I want Health Psychology as my thesis topic. I want to do something about body image or eating behavior. I am so into it; yet i am not given a chance for that; or maybe chance was there but i let it pass through due to some unanticipated mistakes ='(

As what Dr. Hera said, 'everything is there, serving a purpose'. And my friend also telling me the same thing: "Something happened, for you to experience it".

So yea, I need to start seeing things in this way.

Whenever something hits me, it's bring something to my life and telling me that I need to experience it. Either I like it or not; I still need to go through it; so from there I can get to experience new thing then only I have more options to choose from.

Hence, I shouldn't piss off easily because of the small thing that doesn't goes the way I want it to be. Sometimes surprise is meant to be there to inspire us; sometimes one small thing can just change the entire of our life. We never know.

Therefore, we should welcome anything that come into our life with arms widely open, as we are meant to experience it.

Do not afraid of losing things caz we are still young. We have long way to go and most importantly, we get to choose :)

Chap 2: be happy with sadness

As usual, my friend and I were sharing our future plan and chit chat about life during lunch session.

" I am sad leaving my husband to go New Zealand alone but i guess it would be good for all parties". "So yea, be happy with the sadness". She said.

"Did you just say to be happy with sadness? How can it possibly be??" I asked confusingly, for the sudden phrase that popped out from her mouth.

This phrase keeps playing in my mind and a lot of things were flashing through.

Firstly, I think of a friend of mine.

Remembered when I was young, I requested a best friend from God.

"I need a twins that can share everything with me; unfortunately i have none; but i beg you God please give me at least one best friend that I can share my joy and sadness all the time." God seem to hear my prays and gave me one; but i ruined it. Now that I have realized and I promise myself to get it back and appreciate what God had give.

Secondly, I recall back my University life. I keep saying that I am surviving a life rather than living a life. I have extreme low self esteem and my mood fluctuate with everything that people have said. I blame myself; I am afraid looking back to my past, and I am worried for my future.

Now God had send a girl into my life, to remind me how to be grateful of what i am having.

She is blur to the extreme, yet I felt that she is kind of cute. She can be that quiet when I need to concentrate in my study; and she can be that annoying when I am lonely :)

She came oversea to study in KL, and living a life over here doesn't seem easy for her.

1. She didn't get along with any course mates, hence she is having difficulty to get important updates for lecture.

As compare to me, I am glad that I get to meet some friends and those friends stay with me throughout the whole 3 years. Thanks to God, although we having totally different personality but we get along harmoniously. Most importantly, we do and achieve things together.

2. I am not sure whether she care but she went out shopping with friends while she knew that she got important tutorial to sign up and assignment due.

I used to be that blur like her and i am not so aware about the important things. Thanks to my friends, they are the one reminding me all the times. They did help me a lot especially when I need to compete for limited tutorial slots and register for certain subjects that capped. I am glad that they were so helpful to me and now i have learn to be a consciousness person.

3. She is now taking extra English course.

This remind me of my first year. Being the one that came without English background, I used to be so worried that I might need to take extra English course. Thanks to God that I am not request by University authority to take the course. And thanks a lot to my friends for correcting my grammar mistakes.

4. She seem slack.

Competing with students that got 12 A for SPM is stressful. My parents just hoping me to pass Degree but I pressure myself a lot to get my Degree with flying colors.

I am glad to be almost the same level with them and somehow getting better grade than them. But I did not feel contend. I felt that I could be better if I have stronger English proficiency; and I am down whenever they said: "see, she even do better than me".

Well, if i am comparing my current level with the previous me, I did improve a lot.

I can speak fluent English, and I am brave enough to ask and try from error. I prepare 120% for the 80%, so that I won't regret or blaming myself for low performance.

5. She is indecisive for her future and she has no thought on what she really into.

I knew that I was a headache and heartache for my mum when I was going against her will. I was so stubborn with my choice and I did not compromise on it. I been through a lot of hard time just to be responsible on the choice that I had made; but luckily it was a right decision and I am in the path pursuing what I want in life.

I grow mature now.

I know how to differentiate what is good for me as well as for others;

I know how to control my feeling, I know how to discipline myself;

i know what the life that i am looking for; i can see my future, i know that i have choice

If we're afraid means we got something to lose; if we're sad means we still enjoy happiness.

I need to learn being happy in the sadness because it means that I got more to go.

Chap 1: Alert! Problem detected

I want to enjoy Farmhouse Omega Low Fat Milk every morning; not simply taking Dutch Lady Full Cream milk as my breakfast.

I want my self made yogurt fruit salad made of seedless grapes, baby tomatoes, chopped apples and banana mix with yogurt; not take away fruit salad from Pizza Hut salad bar.

I want seedless purple grapes from Cold Storage; not rotten low quality green grapes from Giant.

When i am pretty, i hope handsome hot guy appreciating my beauty; instead of bumping into foreign workers who keep staring and trying to take advantage!

I upset easily when i realized my perfect plan with perfect calculation and estimation was simply ruined by some stupid foolish person.

Yesterday my mum remind me about my misbehavior, and she said: "Aren't psychology students suppose to posses higher EQ?" " But how come you can be so emotional when things not working that way?" "Don't you know you look horrible when you're moody and it will scare your friends away from you!"

And a friend of mine told me that: "Perfect is boring".

My whole life is about striving for perfection. And i set my life goal as *Always finds REASONS for others but never allow any EXCUSE for myself*.

Seem like i got it totally wrong :(

Today, I found this book in the library.

HOW TO STOP CHASING PERFECTION AND START LIVING A RICHER, HAPPIER LIFE.

I think God is trying to make me understand what's making me suffer, why do i always do without realizing, and how can i get rid of it. Yes, I got a lot more to learn

Chapter 1: Accepting failure

Chapter 2: Accepting emotion

Chapter 4: Accepting reality

Until today only i realized the perfection that i always looking for - is a MISTAKE that i should get rid of.

Maybe perfect is nothing, maybe it's just boring. I don't know.

What i know is my urge to read this book, exploring my own problem and learn to start an optimal life.